What 100% doesn’t work for perfectionists
I’m currently reminiscing on an old part of my life, and it has reminded me of a story that relates so much to perfectionism that I just had to tell it. I’m working on publishing my masters of science research (it's many many years late, but that’s another story). Early on in my program I was given some solid advice: to succeed in science research, you need to be okay with imperfect results. The successful students are the ones who take hiccups, bumps along the way and persist, using those experiences to shift tactics… essentially overcome the setbacks and not get too bogged down by them. Experiencing these kinds of setbacks is almost guaranteed, and the project you complete during your masters has so much riding on it: your literal name (as an author) and your potential professional future. Essentially it is a literal measure of your current and potential success and part of your identity as a student.
This advice was great. I was on board, it sounded so smart. When setbacks come up, persist, shift, keep things workable… I could do that!
But what actually happened? I still aimed for perfection, I still expected it of myself (+ my research project).
I’m sure this type of scenario happens to lots of us; we want to approach something a certain way, but we can’t quite model that approach in reality. This is not about trying and failing, this is about *wanting* to try, not being willing to try, and failing by default. Classic perfectionism over here.
For me this looked like long nights + weekends in the lab, never taking a break, getting exhausted and physically burnt out. Then, when there wasn’t anything urgent anymore (aka no external accountability) I would get nothing done for months. I looked really busy (hello busywork), but was procrastinating to (subconsciously) get the rest I needed.
I’m lucky, because I was eventually able to identify perfectionism as my problem, learned all about it and got myself into a growth mindset just in time. I successfully completed the degree, and was celebrated for the quality of my work. Work that ironically wouldn’t have even gotten done (let alone to a high standard) if I had stayed stuck in my perfectionist mindset. My best guess is I would have gotten the degree done on time… but so much of it would have been rushed and sloppy, and I would have likely looked back wondering what if... what could have happened if I got out of my own way?
This was a huge turning point in my life, my masters degree was the first piece of evidence I had of how powerful the work of shifting your mindset is. Experiencing being productive, not burning out, enjoying my life at the same time… it was quite mind-blowing for me.
But I’m sharing this story because I think this is exactly how we handle situations when we are being a perfectionist about overcoming perfectionism. I was accepting the “typical” path of research, but still was convinced I could outsmart it. I was still making it “mean” something about me. So if you understand that getting in a growth mindset can be messy, uncomfortable and uncertain… but you actually aren’t embracing it. I’m sorry my friend but you are being a perfectionist about overcoming perfectionism. Essentially you are making your ability to overcome perfectionism mean something about yourself.
This can look like:
Starting new habits to support this journey, and ditching them when they get hard
Researching, learning all about perfectionism + what you can do, but not putting any of those lessons into practice
Being dedicated to the journey in private, but people pleasing galore in public
…and many more
So, what can you do about it? If you are stuck learning, take small action steps. If you are abandoning habits, check-in if they are authentic and doable for you. If people pleasing still rules your life, find some people you can be around more who don’t bring this out in you. Wanting the quick fix, life-overhaul version of overcoming perfectionism is exactly what you don’t want to aim for.
If you want some help and advice along the way, I’m always here to support you: customized support through private coaching.
I hope this story helps you recognize that if it’s “not working”, you might just need a new approach. Or you might just need to actually follow the approach you claim to believe in (I know that I sure had to..)!
