10 signs you are a perfectionist
Perfectionism ultimately comes down to one thing: you make things mean something about you. The bad things mean you are a bad person, the good things mean you are a good person. If you feel like you are constantly trying to prove yourself, it’s likely you are a perfectionist. But let's break it down further.
What perfectionism isn’t
“Real perfectionists don’t think their perfectionism is something to brag about, nor do they refer to it as if it’s a cute habit. ”
Most people label perfectionists as: Type A people, who take longer to complete things because they want them to be perfect, but have very high standards of achievement. If you think of the classic job interview question: What is your weakness? The answer is often perfectionism. Why? Because it’s “frowned” upon but ultimately is a good thing. This is so wrong. Real perfectionists don’t think their perfectionism is something to brag about, nor so they refer to it as if it’s a cute habit.
What perfectionism actually is
These are the most common experiences of perfectionists, but by no means all of them. Remember perfectionists make things mean something about them (usually bad), so any time an action doesn’t serve you but is meant to prove you’re a good person or avoid being labeled as a bad person, it’s likely driven by perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a mindset
Perfectionism is a perception of the world, not a personality trait you are stuck with. Mindsets can be shifted, and it’s possible to shift your perfectionist mindset so perfectionism stops ruling your life. It takes intentional work, but you can operate without feeling like you have something to prove. You can stop being your own biggest hurdle.
Procrastination tendencies
All or nothing thinking
All or nothing thinking (and acting) looks like the belief that if you can’t do it all, you shouldn’t bother. It’s a discomfort at pursuing something without the guarantee of success. It leads to black and white thinking, destroys creative problem solving and results in a lot of inaction.
Overwhelm keeps you stuck
Overwhelm is common when you have high standards and make everything mean something about yourself. It’s a side effect of the “all” of all or nothing thinking, because you believe you have to do it all, right now. The shame and guilt (that you try to use to motivate yourself) can also contribute to feeling overwhelmed by emotion. Overwhelm can keep you feeling safe but often leads to inaction.
Overthinking every decision
Overthinking is pretty straightforward, but it’s reinforced by the belief that there is a “right” way to do things. Sure, in many industries that may be true… but that’s not what perfectionists are considering. If you haven’t done something before you might deeply consider every step to make sure you don’t screw up. Fair, but when you’ve thought about doing something for far longer than it actually takes to do it, that’s when overthinking gets in your way. You might experience decision fatigue because you are burning so much energy overthinking. You might find that you are stuck waiting for the “right” time to start. Whether you are waiting or busy thinking, overthinking leads to putting off action.
Vague goals + intentions
Poor follow through + self-trust
When you don’t trust yourself to follow through, it makes sense that you keep your intentions vague, because then you could never possibly fail. The more you don’t follow through, the weaker your self-trust becomes and the cycle continues. Sometimes you think there is no point in having a clear goal because you know you aren’t going to follow through anyways.
Unrealistically high expectations
Perfectionists set unfair, often cruel expectations of themselves to perform to the highest standard. They would never expect someone else to live up to these unrealistic standards. If everything you do means something about you, setting high expectations means you are ambitious and will often get praised. The higher the better, because it feeds more into your sense of self-worth but quickly those expectations become unrealistic.
Fear of failure and/or judgement
Fear keeps perfectionists small, and staying small keeps you safe from judgement and rejection. Whether the fear comes from being judged for having ambitions or for potentially failing, it stops perfectionists from pursuing their true potential. You might pursue guaranteed goals that are generally accepted by society, but don’t pursue your secret dreams.
Excessive busyness
Perfectionists are usually very busy people. Between trying to do it “all”, never saying “no” to requests and juggling complex emotions along the way there isn’t much time for rest. If you are always busy but don’t have much to show for it, most likely your goals and intentions are too vague to focus your time and energy productively. But always being busy looks good from the outside!
People pleasing
Striving to be good enough + poor self-worth
Perfectionists always feel behind, and not enough, therefore are striving for more to finally arrive at the “good enough” place. You don’t believe you are inherently worthy so must please others and prove to them that you are. External validation is vital to perfectionist’s sense of self.
People pleasing + challenges saying “no”
People pleasing looks like always prioritizing others needs and being eager to help in any way possible. It’s a belief that love and acceptance is earned, not inherent so you are constantly having to prove you are worthy of others' love. If you dared say “no”, there’s a chance you would be rejected, and feel ashamed so instead you don’t really have boundaries and are always hustling for others.
Desperate to be likeable + fit in
To fit in perfectionists might conform to group dynamics, hiding their true selves and beliefs. Being liked is more important than being you and fitting in means you aren’t rejected. Perfectionists don’t even give people a chance to like the real version of themselves because that’s too risky.
Perfectionism is more wide-spread than you think, because real perfectionists rarely share that they operate from this mindset. Admitting to being a perfectionist is more evidence they aren’t good enough (because if they were, they wouldn’t struggle with perfectionism). Also considering how misunderstood perfectionism is, it’s hard to acknowledge that you have a perfectionist mindset because you don’t believe you are perfect (but hope no one else has noticed). So perfectionism continues to rule your life.
Just know that if you are struggling with perfectionism, you aren’t alone. And it is entirely possible to do the work to overcome perfectionism. It requires vulnerability, self-awareness and growth, but it is so worth it on the other side.
You can stop letting perfectionism rule your life.